The Mayor of the Zone

...and other ironies

IT DIDN'T work out in the end with Kate (see previous posts). I blew it by the very prevarication discussed in the previous post. Second date: I took her to a concert; had a lovely time. At the end, as we parted on the steps of Waterloo station, she went to kiss me and I fudged it. Thought that she was just going for a kiss on the cheek, and did likewise. There was a third date, but she did the fade after that and we are no longer in touch. There was also someone else whom I saw a couple of times at around that time, but that didn't work out, either. I did, however, get two very pleasant dates out of it, and got to borrow her Nigella Lawson recipe book, the brownies that I made from the recipe therein being most popular amongst my friends.

Fast forward to last week-end. I attended a residential conference in an old university town, staying overnight Friday and Saturday. As always, there is a dinner on the Friday evening for those who choose to come on the Friday, and a "gala dinner" and disco on the Saturday. I woke early on the Saturday, and after breakfast and before the conference started, I browsed the large ring binder of papers given to us by the conference organisers. Scanning the delegate list for anyone I knew, I came upon the name of Catelyn.

Catelyn, about whom I have 'blogged several years ago, was someone whom I knew through a voluntary organisation for which we used to work. We used to exchange banter in the offices about three years ago, but she was with somebody else at the time. She had gone off to work in Brussels for six months, and, when she came back, suspecting that she might have become available (and thinking that there wasn't much to lose), I'd asked her out, taking her to a tiny underground jazz bar that used to be a gentleman's lavatory. She had obviously not considered it a date: she brought along several of her friends, and it transpired during the evening that she was indeed still with the same boyfriend. It didn't matter a great deal - we all had a rather good night out, and I'd always considered asking her out somewhat of a punt.

I next saw her at a fund-raising dinner organised by the same charity for whom we used to work, wearing a striking bright blue dress. Although she was still with the same boyfriend at the time, another fellow - I'll call him Tim - was obviously flirting with her, using what looked suspiciously like PUA techniques. Not having any interest in the mug's game that is flirting with the already taken, I left him to it. She later told me when she bumped into me in a library early last year that she was moving to Bristol, and it emerged during the conversation that she was seeing Tim.

I didn't hear much from her until January this year, when, out of the blue, she sent me a text message asking me if I'd like to come down to Bristol for the week-end for her birthday. I'd already arranged with a group of friends to go to a fancy dress party that week-end, so I declined, and didn't think much of it, assuming her still to be with Tim. She replied that she was often in London, and that she'd let me know when she was up and we could go for a drink and catch up. I'd replied that that was an excellent idea, and we should dig up Dominic, an old mutual friend from the charity, and all meet up. She didn't reply further, and, again, I thought not much of it.

I said hello to her when I saw her at the conference, just before the first talk of the Saturday was due to begin. After a brief exchange of pleasantries, she said something like, "We'll go for drinks later", as the talk was about to start. She sat just behind me. We caught up during the breaks between the talks. She seemed enthusiastic to talk to me, and I got the impression of a degree of flirtatiousness: she touched my arm several times when we talked, which I don't remember her having done before. But I discounted it when another chap, I'll call him Jimmy, appeared to be involved with her. I wasn't sure exactly when the switch had occurred, but it was somewhat immaterial if she was spoken for.

The conference delegates took lunch' together, and Catelyn sat next to me and Jimmy opposite Catelyn, another friend of Jimmy's sitting next to him and therefore opposite me. During the whole lunch', pudding included, she spoke more or less exclusively to me; we spoke at some length about what we had been doing since we'd last seen each other, and talked so much that we were nearly late for the afternoon session.

We did indeed all go for drinks (the same group as at lunch') in the gap between the last session of the afternoon and the "gala dinner". We went to a local pub'; on the way, I talked to Jimmy, who seemed to be a thoroughly nice chap, and Catelyn, who told me how she was successful in her work in Bristol, but that she had no connexions there, and but simultaneously missed London, its attractions and its bars. I mentioned the occasion two years previously when we'd all gone to the little underground bar, and she said something like, "Yes - just like that one!". I'd told her about how I'd moved into a flat in London.

I can't now remember exactly how it arose - except that it was instigated by her - but at one point in the pub', she invited me to come to see her in Bristol for the week-end. I can't remember exactly why now, but we alighted on the bank holiday week-end at the beginning of May; as I was staying with my parents for the Easter bank holiday week-end. It also came up that she was in court in the London area on Wednesday, and, pursuant to what she had suggested back in January in that regard, she suggested meeting up (it might have been me who suggested it - I forget for sure, but I think that it was her). Not thinking anything of it other than a chance to catch up with an old (if rather attractive) friend, I again suggested that we get in touch with the old mutual friend (who was one of the friends whom she had brought when I had previously tried to ask her out), to which she replied that she'd somewhat lost touch with him. I'd asked whether she had his number, and she said that she did (I didn't have his number), but she seemed rather non-committal about contacting him.

For some reason unfathomable to the sane, and despite my explanation of just how good that the pudding had been the previous evening, all three of them decided that they were going to miss the "gala" dinner and stay in the pub'. Not being one to miss out on food that I'd already paid for (especially when pudding is involved), I left them to it and hurried back to the dining hall, where lamb awaited the eager diners. I took a picture of our pudding with my camera phone and sent it to her by MMS, asking whether she was regretting not having dinner.

Dinner was followed by a stand-up act, which, although funny, lasted quite a long time. During the dinner, Catelyn had sent me two text messages and tried to call me, but I had my telephone on silent, so wasn't able to respond. She, Jimmy and the other fellow were sitting in the bar afterwards; she had changed into a striking bright red dress with rather sexy high-heeled shiny shoes, and Jimmy had put on a tie. I sat next to Catelyn and we talked some more. She asked me at one point whether I liked her shoes (I did). Again, she touched my arm when she spoke to me.

Up to this point, I had proceeded on the basis that she was seeing Jimmy, that any flirtation was the sort of idle, playful flirtation that doesn't mean a great deal, and that our meetings had been arranged as one would for old friends to catch up. I did not even think much of it when she had retorted, when I had quipped that I expect that the next time that I would see her, she would be wearing a bright green dress (referring to the red dress that she was currently wearing and the blue dress that she wore on at the charity dinner two years previously, and the primary colour connexion between the two), that, no, the next time that I'd see her, we'd be baking cakes (I'd explained earlier my penchant for baking) in her flat.

However, when Jimmy went to buy a round of drinks, Catelyn leaned in closely to me and gave me the following account: she had broken up with Tim in December last because he had treated her badly, and had done for some time. She had moved to Bristol in order to be near his family, and she now somewhat regretted having done so, not knowing anyone in Bristol, although, by dint of administrative accident, her career was more successful and financially rewarding in Bristol than it would have been had she been in London. In late January, she had told Jimmy that she liked him; he had replied at the time that he was not interested. She had thought not much of it, and had treated him as a friend thereafter, and they had become good friends. However, somewhat inexplicably, he had told her recently that, actually, he did like her; but, by this time, she had come to think of him as a friend, and had felt most uncomfortable at his advances. After I had left them in the pub', they had had a big argument, in which she had told him - in no uncertain terms - that they were not going out. Later on in the conversation, on what pretext I now forget, I asked her, semi-humorously, whether Tim baked cakes. "Did he f***!", she replied.

A short while later, she asked me to dance, and lead me by the hand onto the dance floor. Although I have been taking ballroom lessons lately, they were not of the greatest use in a disco; I attempted to jive, but that was not terribly successful. I did make an effort to dance, however. After a few minutes had passed, she repeated some of what she had told me before, and expanded on it. She said that, when I had gone for dinner, leaving the three of them in the 'pub, she had thought, "no, don't go!", as Jimmy had been touching her arm (and she physically demonstrated on me how), which had made her feel uncomfortable. She had said how Jimmy had tried to kiss her when they had first met up at the conference, and had even suggested booking a double room, which she did not particularly appreciate. She said that she felt really bad, because he was a "really nice guy", but she felt uncomfortable at his advances. I briefly explained the "friend zone" thing (surprisingly, she had not seen the Friends episode from which the clip at the top of this post is taken; I said that I'd send it to her). I asked her whether she was attracted to him; she said that she had been in January, but not any longer. She said that perhaps he was a bit too much of a nice guy, and said that he had told her that he had told her that he was not interested in January because he did not want to mess up their existing friendship. I had asked her what was wrong with the original fellow that she'd had before Tim; she said that he was good chap, but that she had first started seeing him when she was 19, and that he was somewhat older. She said that he'd now got a new girlfriend himself. I pointed out that Jimmy was rather the opposite of Tim, and that perhaps what she needed was some cross between the two. She seemed to agree, but then said that she was not getting any younger at 28. I said that that was not old, pointing out that I was 29, and she replied (perhaps missing the point that I had intended to make) that that was just one year.

After a short while, we went to rejoin the main group at the bar, and we talked intermittently afterwards. "See you on Wednesday", I said as we parted; "Yes", she replied. She had already planned to have Sunday lunch' with her family and miss the early part of the next day's conference, so I have not seen her since. Since we had not finalised arrangements for Wednesday, I sent her the following e-mail on Sunday evening,

"[Catelyn],

lovely to see you yesterday. Here's the clip that I referred to yesterday, which you might find of amusement/relevance. Apropos Wednesday - is your case morning, afternoon or all day? And do you want to prod [Dominic], or shall I? I don't have his number, but I can Facebook message him. Hope that you got back this afternoon without bother; see you Wednesday,

[CoatMan]."

I have yet to receive a reply.

Last summer, I 'blogged about Lara - somebody who had joined where I worked in June, and had initially shown some interest, but had then apparently lost interest (due, commenters on this 'blog told me, to something akin to the "friend zone" phenomenon described by Catelyn). We have ended up being quite good friends, and she seems to take somewhat of an interest in my dating endeavours after she overheard me replying to Senior Colleague about such things, when I had told her the story of Kate. Indeed, it was to her fancy dress party that I had been going when Catelyn had asked me in January to come and visit her in Bristol. By coincidence, she asked me whether I had had any "dating developments", as I think she put it, this afternoon, which I took as an opportunity to gain some advice on the present situation.

After outlining the story above, she said that it seemed rather ambiguous to her, although that the arm-touching was good; however, that I'd "f***ed it up" by referring to the mutual friend in the e-mail. Rats. She advised not to mention him again, to see how things went on Wednesday, and then ask her down to London again another time - without pretext - and see how she reacts. She said not to talk about Catelyn's "love life", as she put it, as that was a very "friend" thing to do.

This evening, I forwarded her a copy of the e-mail for comments. She replied,

"Ah [CoatMan]! That's a very friendly email! How ironic! You'll just have to try and switch it around on Wednesday. You need to ask her out without there being another reason (I.e. She's not already in the area) and see how she responds.

If you haven't got a response by tomorrow evening, i'd send her a quick text to ask if she's still free.

X"

Given that even Lara, whom I get the impression is rather knowledgeable and experienced in such things, considers the situation to be ambiguous, I'd appreciate people's thoughts. Piecing things together, a few thoughts come to mind. Firstly, although I have now lost the text message records, having upgraded my telephone, I remembered that the date of Lara's party was the 16th of January. Catelyn had told me that she had told Jimmy that she liked him in "late January", and she had texted me a good few days - perhaps even a week - in advance of the time for which she was inviting me. That suggests that she had texted me between the time that she finished things with Tim and the time that she first took an interest in Jimmy, which might well be significant.

Secondly, the significance of her telling me in terms (and some detail) about the situation with Jimmy is pointedly ambiguous. On the one hand, asking for relationship advice is a very "friend" thing to do, and I was the only one whom she knew reasonably well - other than Jimmy - in the bar that evening. On the other, it must have been apparent to her that it would have appeared to everyone that she and Jimmy were together. She must have realised that that is how it would seem to me, and that I would not have done anything if I had that impression (I think that I'd already commented in passing that he seemed to be a nice chap). Was she seeking advice from a friend - just as I was with Lara - or was she making it clear to me that she was available? Was it significant that they had had the "big argument" in the pub' after I had left, and after I had mentioned bringing Dominic along when we met up in London?

Thirdly, although Catelyn is very attractive, both in appearance (when Lara made me dig up Facebook photographs of her, she said, "she's very pretty - well done!") and personality (very bright, intelligent, rational, independently-minded, well spoken and witty), she does live quite some distance away in Bristol, although she spoke when we talked on Saturday about a desire to have a house in Bristol and a flat in London.

Finally, have I totally "f***ed it up", as Lara so eloquently put it, or are things remediable? Answers on a postcard...